false alarm. still invincible.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
