I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
