You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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