I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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