who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
