is your mom at the bar?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
