last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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