i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
