What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
