his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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