I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
