i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
