awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
