I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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