i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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