tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
