if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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