Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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