How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
