you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
