My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
