In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
