My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
