I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
