i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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