I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
