So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
