woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
