We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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