rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
