Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Found your dick twin last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
