Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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