Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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