I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
