Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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