Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize