just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
