you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
