I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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