ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
