When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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