if i can run in heels then i can drive
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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