im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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