Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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