Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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