I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
