I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
