Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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