I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
