we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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