Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
