you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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