Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
