saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
