You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
