Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
