I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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