All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
