So drunk its hurt
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
