ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
