i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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