we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize