I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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